The question that bothers every generation is, "How do I know when I have met the person that I should marry?" This lesson is designed to give you some glimpses into true character.
"As we consider what's important in a marriage partner, we need to get past the surface issues of looks, dress, and performance in front of others…We're too easily impressed by image" (Harris p. 190). "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain" (Proverbs 31:30); "Charms may wane and beauty wither" (Mof). We need to practice looking at the heart of a person, their character, rather than merely the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7). One writer noted, "Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching" (Randy Alcorn). And William Davis wrote, "Your reputation is learned in an hour; your character does not come to light for a year". So how do we evaluate someone's character, or in other words, how do we find out what they are really like? Or, how do we avoid buying a lemon or a model which is in desperate need of some serious recall action? Happiness in marriage will depend much more upon the character of your mate, rather than any other factor (Proverbs 11:22; 12:4).
Because a person's relationship with God is the defining relationship is his or her life---when this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will naturally suffer (Matthew 22:37-39). "Look for, and work on becoming, a man or woman who, as a single, seeks God wholeheartedly, putting Him before anything else. Don't worry about impressing the opposite sex. Instead, strive to please and glorify God. Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities" (Harris p. 192). 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?….or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?"
Points To Note: 1. "Do not be bound together with"-"unequally yoked with" (ASV); "Stop forming intimate and inconsistent relations with" (Wms); "compromising" (Tasker). 2. The OT is filled with passages in which God's people are warned against intermarrying with people immersed in immorality and idolatry (Deut. 7:1-4; Ezra 9:2; Nehemiah 13:25; 1 Kings 11:1-2). 3. It is one thing to date a person who is showing interest in the gospel, wanting to learn, and who is demonstrating a hunger for the truth. But it is foolishness to continue a relationship with a person who spurns, ridicules and mocks what you believe in. You would certainly never want your children to have such a father or mother. Someone noted, "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy your spouse". One of the wonderful things about being married to a faithful Christian is that the rules for the marriage and how you treat each other never change. You know that trust in such a person isn't misplaced, and that you don't have to worry about them taking advantage of such trust. There is also this point, "Why should I invest my feelings and love in a person who is going to end up lost?"
People In Positions Of Authority: "How does a potential mate respond to people in authority? Does this person respect the authority of a boss or elder even if he or she disagrees with that authority figure? A guy who can't follow legitimate orders will have difficulty holding a job or receiving…correction when needed. A girl who can't respect a teacher's or coach's authority will have difficulty honoring her husband" (Harris pp. 192-193).
How Do They Handle Criticism? From reading the book of Proverbs I am impressed that being corrected is simply a part of life. All of us will find ourselves being admonished, rebuked or given some constructive criticism many times in our lives (Proverbs 9:7-9; 10:8,17). How we respond to such teaching will reveal whether we are wise or foolish. If a foolish son is a grief to his mother, then his wife is probably suffering also (Proverbs 10:1; 1 Samuel 25:25). It isn't a whole lot of fun being married to someone who won't listen to advice or who refuses to admit their mistakes. Look for a person who doesn't resent advice and even criticism. Look for a person who seeks to learn from their mistakes, look for a person who can say that they are sorry. Avoid the person who counts everyone as an enemy who has attempted to give them some godly correction.
How Do They Treat Their Parents? It is so true that the way a guy treats his mom is the way that he will treat his wife. "If he can't be loving and gentle (honoring) with his mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?" or "If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?" (Harris p. 193).
How Do They Treat The Opposite Sex? "No one wants to marry a flirt. Guys, if a girl flirts like a butterfly from one guy to the next, always in need of male attention, do you really think marriage will suddenly change her? Girls, do you want to marry a man with a wandering eye?" (Harris p. 193). 2 Peter 2:14 "having eyes full of adultery"-They lust after every girl they see; they view every female as a potential adulteress. Is this person able to have nonromantic relationships with the opposite sex? In addition, do they treat the opposite sex with respect and honor? If a guy ridicules women and speaks of them in a dishonoring way-remember you are also a woman! Men and women on the brink of marriage have often believed the myth that the person they are marrying will somehow treat them in a loving and respectful manner, even though they are treating everyone else with disrespect. True love for neighbor is not selective and can't just be turned on and off. If someone is selfish in their other relationships, they will be just as selfish in a marriage. At this point I believe that it is very important to stress to people that the marriage ceremony doesn't change one thing in a person's character.
Take A Look At Their Friends: "A person's companions are the people who influence and shape him or her (1 Corinthians 15:33)….There is a law of moral attraction that draws every man to the society most like himself. Where we go when we are free to go…..is a near-infallible index of character" (Harris pp. 193-194). This really is an important point. A lot can be learned about the heart of a potential mate by looking at the people they like and admire. Like typically attracts like, strength attracts strength and weakness attracts weakness.
How Do They Use Their Time? "The way a person spends his or her leisure time tells us what he or she values" (Harris p. 195). Remember, if you marry someone on the lazy side, guess who is going to have to pick up the slack? One of the qualities of a wise man or woman, is that such a person is a hard and diligent worker (Proverbs 10:4-5). And you don't have to guess whether a potential mate is diligent or not. Listen to how they talk about their job. What do they want to do on their day off? Remember, what a person treasures is exactly where there heart is (Matthew 6:21). Are they prepared for bible class? Do they help out their parents or do they expect to be waited on? If you want some nice things in life, if you want an organized life, if you want to have time for the really important things in life-then you need to marry someone who is diligent. Guys, before you marry a woman, remember, this is the person who will be taking care of your stuff!
How Do They Handle Money? A person's spending habits will reveal their level of maturity and responsibility. Is this person caught up in material possessions, having to have the latest and best? Remember, guys and girls, the person you marry will be spending your hard earned money. Does this person think through important and costly purchases, or do they spend impulsively? When it comes to money and your prosperity, will they also be a help-meet in that area? (Genesis 2:18).
Willing Obedience To God: Look for someone who will listen and act without hesitation to what God says in His word, "I hastened and did not delay to keep Thy commandments" (Psalm 119:60). Because all of us need to make changes after we marry, when the children come, and so on. "Is the person you're interested in consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God? Does he or she work to overcome bad habits? Is this person being conformed to today's culture, or does he or she push against it, seeking to be transformed into Christ's image?" (Harris p. 197). (2 Corinthians 7:1). Do you get the impression that this person thinks they have "arrived" spiritually? Or, is this person always seeking to improve themselves? How do they respond to classes or offers of premarital counseling? Do you want to have to drag this person, or go alone to classes for young couples, the newly married, parenting, personal evangelism, etc?
Humility: "Two people don't keep a marriage strong because they never make mistakes; they keep a marriage strong by maintaining an attitude of humility that is quick to confess sin, put the other first, and seek forgiveness" (Harris p. 197). Do they put others first or do you get the impression that they see themselves as someone to be served? (Philippians 2:3-4)
Contentment/Hope: "Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips? Does he or she nit-pick at the faults of others or consistently encourage? Does this person view his or her circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness, or does he or she remain confident of God's faithfulness?" (Harris p. 198). Does this person seek to make the best of even bad situations? Do they curse the darkness or do they light a candle? "we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28); "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).